Of us older folks can remember when everything about airline travel (except the stewardesses, perhaps) was staid and proper: pilots were respected authority figures, passengers listened to safety instructions quietly and attentively, and the most frivolity one heard from the flight crew was a co-pilot's announcement about some interesting geographical feature viewable from the left-hand side of the cabin. Please be careful opening the overhead bins because shift happens. At no time in history has a passenger beaten a plane to the gate. Please remain seated until the plane is parked at the gate. Welcome to the San Francisco International Airport. If you all weren't strapped down you would have given me a standing ovation wouldn't you? If there's anything we can do to make you more comfortable, please don't hesitate to ask. Thank you for choosing Alaska Air, and giving us your business and your money. We're glad to have you with us on board this flight. The orange button is your seat ejection button. Please don't press the orange button unless you absolutely have to. The yellow button turns on your reading light. If you're afraid of the dark, now would be a good time to reach up and press the yellow button. In a moment we will be turning off the cabin lights, and it's going to get really dark, really fast. Oh here it is, the movie tonight is 'Gone with the Wind'. We do have a movie in the smoking sections tonight, hold on, let me check what it is. There are two smoking sections on this flight, one outside each wing exit. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. To release, it's a pulley thing - not a pushy thing like you're car cuz you're in an airplane, hello! To fasten the belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle. Please take a moment now to make sure your seat belts are fastened low and tight about your waist. I usually use it as a fan when I'm having my own personal summer. In the seat pocket in front of you is a pamphlet about the safety features of this plane. Help that one first, and then work your way down. If you are traveling with two or more children, please take a moment now to decide which one is your favorite. If you are sitting next to a small child, or someone who is acting like a small child, please do us all a favor and put on your mask first. The bag won't inflate, but there's oxygen there, I promise. ![]() You stick it over your nose and mouth like the flight attendant is doing now. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure these baggy things will drop down over your head. White ones along the normal rows, and pretty red ones at the exit rows. We have pretty blinking lights on the floor that will blink in the direction of the exits. In the event that the need arises to find one, trust me, you'll be glad you did. Count the rows of seats between you and the exit. Please take a moment and look around and find the nearest exit. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. There are 5 exits aboard this plane, 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. ![]() The most important safety feature we have aboard this plane is. We'd like to tell you now about some important safety features of this aircraft. If you're not going to San Francisco, you're about to have a really long evening. If you're going to San Francisco, you're in the right place. Hello and welcome to Alaska flight 438 to San Francisco. I've left out a few parts I'm sure, but this is most of it. I was flying to San Francisco from Seattle this weekend, and the flight attendant reading the flight safety information had the whole plane looking at each other like "what the heck?" (Getting Seattle people to look at each other is an accomplishment.) So, once we got airborne, I took out my laptop and typed up what she said so I wouldn't forget.
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